unintentional

I don’t think you could ever fathom

How badly I want to open my heart to you

But you make it so difficult with the strain in your muscles

And the judgement in your eyes

Why do you have to be so mean?

For eighteen years

I listened to the way your voice would shake when you spoke

And I would quiver in fear

My blood still shivering the next day

When you would smile and laugh

As though all that occurred was simply the makings

Of my imagination

I try to be good for you,  I really do

But you don’t notice

Or do you just not care?

Because its never enough

And now I’m stuck convincing myself I am good

Not at any certain thing— just in general

Because you always told me I was not.

I love you papa

But did you have to make it hurt

As much as you did?