ALIVE

Can I kiss my own lips and make every second last forever? I don’t need your touch, and I don’t need your graze, all I need is the beating of my own heart to keep me sane.

A rhythmic touch, steady and strong, I know it can never fail. And if it does, every cell in my body fights to keep me alive

Do the cells in your body fight to keep me alive?

The fact is, that no matter how much you say otherwise, you cannot save me. You cannot heal me. You cannot fix me. I must fix myself, I must heal myself, and I’d rather be dead than have you do it for me. Because that isn’t healing. That is simply masking my pain with your kisses, and no matter how sweet they are, I’ll just end up with a toothache and a broken soul.

Every morning, my eyes open and I am surrounded by light and color. My eyes roam over everything that exists, and everything that doesn’t. My touch feels the cotton of my bedsheets, and the smoothness of my thighs. I smell the aromas of peace and beauty surrounding me, and in the mornings I feel alive.

And when I sleep, though I am unaware, my mind is working consistently to create a vision in my head, one that I may or may not remember when I arise from my slumber. Each scene, more vivid than the last, each sensation finely filled in with a variety of shades, I don’t want to wake up, but I just can’t sleep any longer, I just can’t lie in the dark for the rest of my years waiting for someone to shake my shoulder, and bring me to awareness. I want to bring that awareness to my own body through my fingertips, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I just can’t breathe any longer

And in that moment

i know that I want to die screaming for life

I know I want to die alive.

S